FOGGY* teary-eyed memories…of the way we were………..
Some days and nights the memories just come out of nowhere. Lately, it seems I am having triggered memories that are not necessarily new, but I now understand more about the memory than I have in the past when it came up. I found myself today feeling shaky and irritable. I wanted to cry all day. Last night I had a memory of something that was said to me as a child.
Later, as an adult, my abuser said the same thing to me during an abuse ‘session’. At the time, I remember thinking how familiar the saying was and it seemed to lessen the effect it had on me because I had heard it so many years ago by such a trusted individual. Last night it suddenly occurred to me that the thing said was a death threat. My abuser said it to me in a moment of anger and it was meant to let me know that I had better watch out because he had the power to end my life in a gruesome manner. I know this statement was made to me as a child, a small child. At first, I told myself this statement must have been said in jest. But, then I thought, “Who says that? Especially to a small child!” I can’t remember the circumstances around the statement. I don’t know all of the details. I do have other pieces of memories that may or may not have occurred at the same time. I really just don’t know. It makes my head hurt to think about it. It makes my stomach ache. It makes me sad. Very sad. It horrifies me. It angers me to know that this statement was said to an innocent little girl. I believe I was under the age of 4 years. Today, I want to just forgive and forget. That is within my power. That is in my best interest. My sense of fairness also says I don’t have all of the facts. So, I must not assume too many of the extra details. I will follow my fairness. But, I will also feel the pain and horror from the memories of the way we were.
~ Lisa ~
*The acronym FOG, for Fear, Obligation and Guilt, was first coined by Susan Forward & Donna Frazier in the book, Emotional Blackmail.